Experiments in Ontological Relativism

and Other Brain Farts

Guidelines for Safe and Sane Post Mortem Exercise (part 1)

Posted by Jason on August 21, 2008

1. You’re Dead! Hooray!

So you say you’ve recently joined the ranks of the Conscious Deceased? Well first of all, congratulations! Unlike in the past, when being dead was considered a disability and often met with scorn and prejudice, today being Deceased is considered a healthy and acceptable lifestyle choice. In fact, it’s the fastest-growing movement in the world, with over 40,000 men and women converting every day. Don’t fear the Reaper, get him on speed dial!

Despite the wealth of advantages death brings, there can be some drawbacks to your new condition. But don’t worry! These can all be managed with the proper combination of diet and exercise. This guide will get you started on the road to managing your Deceased existence with health and style. Soon, all your friends and coworkers will be asking you how they can die too!

2. Different Kinds of Deceased.

Although the rampant necrophobes would have you believe we’re all alike, there are in fact large differences between the various types of Conscious Deceased in the world. It’s very important to know which type you are before beginning any exercise regimen, as different exercises are more or less appropriate for differing types. As always, if you have any questions you should consult your death care professional.

The Walking Undead are what most people think of when they consider the Conscious Deceased. Despite having to contend with racist epithets (i.e., the “z” word), the Walking Undead have saturated mass culture and made a nice niche for themselves in the world at large. As with most types of Deceased, the Walking Undead can be distinguised by their unique dietary needs, as well as rather pesky skin and tissue issues.

Haemophages (or “Heemies”) make up a small but glamorous percentage of the Deceased population. They are best known for their liquid diet and unique dental structure. They’re also especially prone to very severe sunburn.

Perhaps the least appreciated, the Incorporeal Deceased are the most often overlooked type of the post mortem lifestyles. While this is often due to their insubstantial nature rendering them invisible, it is nevertheless terribly rude and offensive. The “incorps” often face the most challenging–but rewarding!–Deceased lifestyle.

3. Maintaining a Proper Diet.

The worlds of the living and the dead have always been closely linked, and nowhere is this more evident than in the realm of dietary needs. While the living often take their sustenance from plants and animals, the dead have nutritional needs which can only be met by… well, the living. Like so many cultural groups, the Conscious Deceased have often been reviled and feared because of their differing culinary restrictions. Fortunately, the modern world has offered a wealth of new options for the Deceased concerned with his or her diet, without having to worry about offending any but the most bigoted of your neighbors.

[To be continued in the next post!]


One Response to “Guidelines for Safe and Sane Post Mortem Exercise (part 1)”

  1. bibliophile said

    *loves you*

    I loved this. I’m anxiously awaiting part two.

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