Experiments in Ontological Relativism

and Other Brain Farts

Guidelines for Safe and Sane Post Mortem Exercise, part 3

Posted by Jason on October 14, 2008

4. Time for a Workout!

If we had to pick just one key for a long and healthy unlife, it would be maintaining a proper, vigorous exercise routine. Now, I know many of you heard the “exercise, exercise, exercise” spiel while you were alive, and you were hoping that death had finally put an end to that, right? Nothing could be farther from the truth! In fact, regular exercise is even more vital (or should we say lethal?) for the Deceased than it is for the living.

Without proper care, the Deceased body has a tendancy to… well, there’s just no nice way to say it. It has a tendancy to decay. This leads to what seems to be a strange paradox to many newly Deceased. Let’s see if we can make it clear here. When a person first dies, their body (or ectoplasmic form, for Incorps) is identical to their living one. Imagine a… shall we say “corpulent” individual. When he first awakes to his new (and fabulous!) lifestyle, he still posesses the same 400 pounds of meat he did when he was a blood-pumper. Over the next few weeks, as he continues his lazy habits as a newly-dead, he finds that all that fat just magically melts away (and sometimes can be an ordeal to dispose of). Well, he thinks to himself, this is fantastic! Being dead is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me!

Not so fast there, my formerly-fat friend! While we do agree with your conclusion, you’re going to find some problems soon. You see, whereas the living body without exercise produces more and more of its fleshy self, the Deceased body actually loses its mass when not properly stimulated. So unless he’s careful, our corpulent corpse will soon find himself thinner than a hollywood starlet in rehab.

So how does the weight-conscious Deceased maintain that fleshy figure? We’re glad you asked! As with most things in your new unlife, the right kind of exercise depends on exactly which type of Deceased you are.

[Sorry for the long delay between updates, and how short this one is! I really hope to finish this soon… Leave comments!]

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